I’m the master of fucking everything up. Don’t mind me… I’ll just be ruining everything.

“I could get used to wife you” my boyfriend at 5 in the morning as we make a snack before bed and im wearing leggings and a large sweatshirt and look like shit.

I’ve been streaming pretty much everyday on Twitch since July, and the last couple of days my internet has been acting up on my computer for no apparent reason. And because I am the way that I am I’m dealing with this by wanting to just give up because that would be easier and would make more people happy. I mean, it is just a waste of my time isn’t it.

I’ve noticed my depression start to creep back in over the last few months. Ive been doing everything in my power to keep it at bay, but sometimes it gets the best of me.

But the thing is, what’s causing me to be depressed. I have so many happy things going on in my life. Although im finding myself wanting to escape once again.

Is this a desire to escape or am I wanting to move forward with my life? A little of both? I don’t know.

When I left my ex I though I was leaving behind all the narcissistic behaviors that came into my life that held me down and made me feel trapped. Over the last couple of months I’ve started to realize he was not the only narcissistic person in my life. In fact I was blind to their behaviors until I came back home.

I see the abuse taking place every day. I feel trapped once again, but I cant fight because it’s my mother. I want out, but I have to make my way out this time…

Tonight after streaming together, my boyfriend said something regarding a marriage proposal.

From the day we met in person he talked about how he doesn’t believe in marriage as an institution and doesn’t see the point in it.

Having been engaged before I can understand the hesitation with marriage. However, I still want to get married. I never wanted to change his mind about the idea though, and would rather spend my life with him than lose him because I demand that we get married. For the right person, and he is the right person I would make that compromise, even though after some time I would still insist on taking his last name.

But tonight he said something about how he isn’t saying there isn’t going to be a marriage proposal from him. Which tells me he has thought about it and is considering proposing to me. Of course I am drunk and I may be thinking too much into it. But I want to spend my life with this man and to hear him hint at the fact that he might be considering marrying me makes me all giddy.

I can’t wait to spend forever with you.

I’ve never been so incredibly in love with someone until him. I’ve never felt support until he gave his without me asking and instead asks “what else do you need from me”. I’ve never been so excited for my future until he said “I hope one day you drop the baby bomb on me.” I’ve never been this happy.

When he says shit like “I really want there to be a day that I wake up next to you every morning” melts my heart every time.

Last night me and my boyfriend were talking about stuff as we do and we got on the topic of our future. While we both agree this is it for us and all of that we got onto how we met online and his friends that are married said they met salsa dancing even though they met online. So we started coming up with all these completely random ideas of how we could tell people we met when they ask, now that we’ve been together for almost a year. So I started thinking that we should do this at our wedding and every person who asks would get a different story and then when they all talk to each other about it they would get really confused. It was fantastic. I love it.

I lobe that the arguments that I have with my boyfriend are how a map should be uncovered in a video game that I have chosen to uncover. We don’t argue about anything else. This is what we argue about. Why is it an argument?

Stupid reason. I wanna do a more detailed map… he wants more simple. We are playing this game with 7 other people on the server with us….

I love this man.